


Choices

by noladyme



Series: Skip To My Lou, My Darling [9]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:33:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27632791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noladyme/pseuds/noladyme
Summary: The road so far...Dean died. Then it turns out he didn't. Lulu is working with Sam and Castiel to find him, and help him out of whatever predicament he is in; when Lulu is given a lead she must explore alone.Now she has to make some hard choices.Our story continues in season 10.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Original Female Character(s), Sam Winchester/Original Female Character(s) (Platonic)
Series: Skip To My Lou, My Darling [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2007559
Comments: 3
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

7 months earlier

_“Marco…”, I hear Dean’s gravelly voice from down the hall.  
“Polo!”, I yell; and sprint from where I’ve been hiding behind the kitchen counter, towards the door as fast as I can, and quietly slip down the hall and around a corner._

_I close my eyes and listen intently. Steps down the hall, moving into the kitchen.  
“She left her shoes out here”, I hear Sam mutter.  
“Clever girl. She can move more quietly without them”, I hear Dean smile. He speaks louder, for me to hear. “Hey, if you drop your bra somewhere, I’m keeping it!”.  
“Dude…”, Sam grunts._

_I head towards the library; though not comfortable being out in the open, I slip through the doorway on the other side of it.  
“That’s 15 minutes so far, Lulu!”, Sam calls out from somewhere near the map-table. “Good job… But we’re still going to find you”._

_I feel the hair rising at the back of my neck. Someone is creeping up on me from my right. They’ve split up.  
I grab a quarter from my pocket, and throw it around the corner from where I’m standing, and creep silently along the wall away from it.  
“Distractions won’t work, sweetheart”, Dean yells from a different direction than where I’d thought he was.  
“They did back in the gym, that time!”, I call out, and run quickly, back into the library, halting, as I see Sam’s tall frame in the archway, with his back to me._

_My breath hitches, and I slip between two filing cabinets; trying my best to breathe as silently as possible.  
Sam chuckles.  
“Between J and K?”, he grins.  
_Crap _, I think to myself. I hear his footsteps nearing.  
“You still have to catch me!”, I cry out, and spring for safety through a doorway, before he can reach me._

_As I turn a corner, I bump straight into Dean’s chest.  
“Gotcha!”, he grins. He picks me up, and throws me over his shoulder; carrying me towards the library. “Sammy!”, he yells. “Time?”.  
Sam is leaning against a pillar with a smug look on his face; looking at his phone.  
“19 minutes, 43 seconds. That’s a record!”, he says.  
“Yes!”, I cry out in glee; still hanging from Dean’s shoulder.  
Sam lifts his phone, and snaps a picture of the two of us._

_Dean sets me down on my feet, and slaps my bottom.  
“Good job, Lou”, he smiles. “Keep it up, and I might let you back in the front seat this year!”.  
I push at his chest, frowning.  
“When are you gonna get over it? It was 15 friggin’ minutes, and there wasn’t a dent in the car”, I pout. “I’m a fantastic driver!”.  
He snakes his arm around my waist, and kisses my forehead.  
“You’re still in the back seat”, he grins. “Now, back to the Wendy’s poltergeist”._

_\---_

_“Lulu, it’s me. Where did you go…? (sigh) Look, I know I was a bit… We’re all running on fumes here. You didn’t have to take off like that…. I’m tracking down another crossroads demon, who might have some info. Call me”.  
_ Sam’s voicemail had come in, while I was occupied looking up motels in Beulah, North Dakota. After much thinking, I decided on sending him a text back; to avoid him following me. At this point he knew most of my aliases, and I knew he’d be able to track every credit card in my possession.  
\- _Need a few days. Don’t worry. Won’t do anything stupid. L._

In fact, I was on my way to do something _very_ stupid; tracking down his brother – on my own – and with no more to go on, than the word of a demon, who’d gone out of his way to rile me up.  
I knew there was a good chance I’d be walking in to a trap, but it was a chance I had to take.

Dean had been gone for weeks, and in all honesty, I wasn’t sure he wasn’t in fact still very much dead; and that Crowley was using his body’s disappearance as a ruse to turn Sam, Castiel and I off from fighting his minions. None the less, since we lost Dean, we’d left a trail of dead demons in our wake; from Kansas, working our way outwards in circles.  
When we weren’t tracking demons, we were silently coexisting in the bunker; cleaning our weapons, training in hand to hand combat, and researching everything from resurrection to zombies – just in case.

When the demon I’d killed two days before had told me to go to Beulah, I was tired, physically sore and mentally numb – and grasping for straws.  
I wanted Dean back, whatever the cost.

I pulled up to the cheapest motel I could find near Beulah.  
Insisting on checking in to room 13, an overweight man with a combover behind the counter told me the room was already occupied by John Osbourne. I thanked him, and ran for the room. Knocking on the door, I found it slightly ajar, and peeked in.  
“Dean?”, I whispered. The room was dark, and I stepped inside. “Dean!”, I tried a little louder.  
I heard a buzzing, and stepped towards the bed, finding a cell-phone; the screen lit up from one message.  
\- _The Black Spur. D._

I ran back towards the reception, and asked for the address to the bar; then jumped back into the Thunderbird, racing out of the lot, and towards my destination.  
 _Dean is there. He has to be_ , I thought to myself. _He needs my help, or he wouldn’t have asked me to come._

Arriving at the bar, I noticed a black Impala parked haphazardly over two spots. I parked next to it, and looked inside. She was filthy.  
“What did they do to you, baby?”, I muttered to myself. Cassette tapes were strewn across the floor; and fast-food wrappers covered the dashboard.  
Condom wrappers littered the back seat, making bile rise in my throat.

I stepped into the building, and headed towards the bar, to speak to the bartender.  
“Excuse me, have you seen this man?”, I asked, and pulled out my phone, showing a picture of a smiling Dean and myself thrown over his shoulder, laughing. The woman sighed.  
“He’s…”.  
“ _Skip, skip, skip to my Lou_ …”, a gravelly voice sang behind me.

I slipped my hand inside my jacket, about to draw my blade.  
“I wouldn’t do that, Lulu. Too many people about”, Crowley said.  
I turned around to face him.  
“Where is he?”, I growled. “What did you do to him?”  
Crowley sauntered over to me, and waved a hand at the tender, who filled a glass of whiskey; placing it in front of me.  
“You should have a drink”, he muttered; sending me a meaningful look.  
“I’m gonna kill you”, I snarled.  
He sighed, and leaned against the bar.  
“Take the drink, love. You’ll need it in a minute”.  
I picked up the glass, and threw it in the demons face. He wiped himself off, and frowned.  
“Gucci”, he grunted. “Bad manners”.  
“Where is he!”, I yelled.

I heard a squealing, and a deep voice laughing. Turning around towards the sound, I saw Dean walking out from a back room – a blonde woman thrown over his shoulder. He smacked her bottom, and she let out another squeal of delight.  
“Dean?”, I croaked.   
He turned his face towards me, his brows furrowing in bemused confusion. A slight smile spread across his face. I found it difficult to breathe.  
“Surprise!”, Crowley grinned. “Look who showed up”.

Dean set the woman down on her feet, his arm still draped around her waist.  
“Who’s this, Dean?”, she smiled.  
Dean chuckled.  
“The ex…”, he smiled. “Hey, Lou! Long time, why am I seeing you?”. He whispered something in the woman’s ear, and took a peek down her top, before she walked away from him; swaying her hips in exaggerated movements.  
“What’s going on?”, I asked. “You asked me to come…”. Dean chuckled, and narrowed his eyes.

Crowley cleared his throat.  
“Actually, that would be me…”, he winked at me.  
“You son of a bitch”, I breathed. I punched him hard across the jaw.  
“Whoa! She got you there, Crowley”, Dean laughed. “Have you been working out, honey? You look… I’m not gonna lie, you look like crap”. He grabbed a beer bottle from a table, and went to drink from it, before realizing that it was empty, and setting it down.  
I scoffed.  
“Yeah, I just spent two days in a car, to get here”, I said. “Sorry if I didn’t dress up”. I gestured towards my torn jeans and shirt.  
“Is that my shirt?”, Dean asked. “The one I traded for your panties… sentimental…”. I flushed red – half in embarrassment, half in rage.

I began walking slowly towards him.  
“Dean… what happened? You died!”.  
He grimaced.  
“Nah… not so much”, he said. As I got all the way over to him, I put my hand on his chest. He gave me his trademark smirk; but something was off about it. “That tickles”.  
“Dean…”, I tried. He leaned in to whisper in my ear.  
“Look, Lou, I’m happy to give you one last night as a sendoff. You know…”. He snaked his arms around me, and held me flush against his chest. “One last hurrah… But then you gotta go. I have this thing brewing with Mag… Mer… I forget her name – that chick back there”.  
I tried to wiggle out of his grasp.  
“This isn’t you, Dean”, I breathed.  
“Oh, it’s him all right…”, Crowley laughed behind me. “I have the Flickr albums to prove it”.

As I was locked in Deans arms – struggling to keep his hands off my bottom – Crowley took out his phone, and began riffling through some pictures; showing me as he went.  
“Here we are doing tequila bodyshots with a set of triplets. Here, the triplets have all taken their tops off, and Dean is… Well, you can see what he's doing. This man is not impotent". Dean grinned, and gave a smug shrug.  
Bile rose in my throat again, as I saw the pictures of Dean with other women. We hadn’t exactly ended it well, and for all intents and purposes, Dean was free to do as he wished; but I loved him no less than I had the day I first told him – and it was physically painful to see him with another woman.

Then came pictures where he was fighting; blood sprayed across his face. “Then there’s this one, where Deano has just taken out one of my strongest lads, because he drank the last beer in the cooler”. This wasn’t Dean. Sure, he was a fighter with enough brute strength to hold down a blood-crazed vampire – but he didn’t fight just for kicks.

“What the hell is going on?”, I croaked. “Dean, you’re… not this! Come home…”. I looked deep into his eyes.  
He grinned.  
“I _am_ home”, he said. “Even got a bed upstairs and everything”. He grinded his hips against me. “Wanna test the springs?”. He wiggled his brows.  
I pushed him off me.  
“What the hell is wrong with you?”, I snarled. “You… died! Then when it turns out you didn’t, you run off partying with random women?”.  
“And me!”, Crowley cried out. “Don’t forget me”.  
I turned around to face the demon.  
“You! I’ll get back to you”, I hissed. I turned back to Dean, and looked hard at him. “You even came back for your damn car, without letting us know you’d been there!”  
“Yup. Waited until you were gone…”, he smirked. “You know, I smelled your shampoo on my pillow… Sweet, how you still sleep in my bed…”. He ran a finger down my cheek.

I grabbed his wrist, twisting his arm around, in a way that should hurt like hell. He rolled his eyes, and before I knew it, my own arm was behind my back – as Dean held me in an armlock.  
“Now, that would have hurt me, if it wasn’t for the… uhm… Help me out here, Crowley!”.  
“Knight of Hell”.  
“Right!”. Dean turned me to face him. “I’m a Knight of Hell”. His eyes blinked black.

My knees gave in, and was about to fall over; when Dean let go of my arm – and caught me around my waist.  
“So what’s it gonna be? A quick screw in the ladies’ room; or are you just gonna leave now, hmm?”. His black eyes were endless; and I was frozen in terror.  
“Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus, omnis satanica…”, I breathed.  
“You can’t exorcise me, Lou. I’m not possessed…”, Dean laughed; swaying back and forth, as if we were dancing – reminding me of a now painful memory of us in my living room, years before.  
“He’s really not”, Crowley grunted. “Dean, are you sure you don’t want to off her? She’s taken out numerous demons to get here”.

Dean looked at me questioningly; and pulled away from me.  
“Her?”, he scoffed. “You’re kidding. This girl isn’t even a real hunter”.  
“Remember Priestly?”, Crowley asked.  
“The short fat one?”, Dean retorted.  
“No, the big one with the…”. Crowley gestured towards his hair.  
Dean nodded in recognition.  
“Oh, the guy with the stupid hair. Yeah, I remember”.  
Crowley nodded towards me.  
“Two days ago”. He made a cut-throat gesture.  
Dean’s eyes widened, and he frowned at me.  
“Her? She took out the blue haired pinhead?”.  
Crowley nodded again.  
“And he’s not the first”.

Dean looked almost impressed.  
“Good for you, Lulu! You’re really moving up in the world”. He licked his lips and looked me over. His black eyes were cold and terrible, but at the same time as deep and expressive as his green ones. “I gotta admit, I’m impressed. Didn’t think you had it in you".

“So? You’ll take her out now?”, Crowley asked.  
Dean shrugged, and let his eyes blink back to green.  
“Nah. She can walk, for old time’s sake".  
If I had been expecting a sad farewell, or a big fight where the monster inside the man I loved gave me a final sendoff; I’d been mistaken.  
Dean simply turned around, and walked away; like I was no more than a passerby that ended up in his way.

Crowley sauntered over to me.  
“Why did you bring me here?”, I croaked.  
“I needed to know for sure, that he was done with you, so you wouldn’t end up getting in the way of my plans. Well, our plans…”, Crowley said disinterestedly. “Seems he is”.  
“We’ll get him back, Crowley!”, I sneered.  
Crowley nodded.  
“I know you will try. But Dean belongs here, with me… Look at it like this; _you_ are last year’s model. I’m the hot new piece of ass…”. He looked over his shoulder at Dean, who had seated himself down at a table with the blonde on his lap. “Well… actually, she’s the piece of ass… But I’m the procurer of said ass – and he _loves_ me for that”.  
With a shaking hand, I reached for my blade again. Crowley caught my hand in the middle of the action, and put his hand around my throat. I grabbed for his wrist, trying to hold myself up, so he couldn’t choke me out.

He pulled out his phone again, and swiped through some more pictures, that I had to close my eyes to avoid looking at.  
“No, pet. Open those lovely eyes, and take a gander at this…”. He held up his phone and showed me a picture of a couple I knew well, and a toddler sitting on one of their hips, as they walked down a street, smiling and holding hands. “Raul Marquez and Chad Collins; and their bundle of joy – Lola. They live in a lovely 3 bedroom, on Funston Avenue, San Francisco – with a nice view over the botanical gardens. Apparently, Chad comes from money. I gave his grandfather 10 years, just as I do everyone else. When he tried to renegotiate, I made sure his grandson was born with a tail… just a tiny one”.  
“What did you do to them?”, I croaked.  
Crowley shrugged.  
“Nothing… Yet. And I won’t, as long as you keep your mouth _shut_ about what you’ve seen here today…”, he said. I felt tears betray me. “Now, if you _do_ decide to go running back to Moose, and let him know where we are, well…”. He looked over his shoulder at Dean. “Dean… Do you have a problem killing children?”, he called out.  
“None, what so ever”, Dean called back; his hand firmly planted on the blonde’s behind.  
“ _Awesome_ ”, Crowley jeered. He let me free from his grasp. “I also have a few of my pets crossing the Golden Gate Bridge as we speak – should baby brother make it here before me and the D-Man reach San Fran. Now… go”.

With a final look towards the stranger currently nibbling on the earlobe of the woman on his lap; I stumbled out of the bar; and towards my car.  
I leaned against it for a moment, heaving for breath, and trying to compose myself.

“Still got the T-bird I see… And not a scratch on it”.  
Dean was standing a few paces away. I finally let my tears fall, and his face softened. He walked over to me, and put his hand on my cheek, as my whole body tensed up in terror. This monster could kill me with a snap of his fingers; and he would do it, wearing the face if the only man I’d ever truly loved.

His gaze softened.  
“Hey… hey, it’s ok”, he breathed. “Come here”. He pulled me close, and try as I might, I couldn’t push him away; but simply let myself be enveloped in his strong arms, as he stroked my hair.

Dean let his hand travel down my jaw, and lifted my chin; looking deep into my eyes. His lips parted, and in that moment, my heart felt like it could finally send life through my system again – after weeks of anguish.  
He leaned down, and placed his lips on mine; his hand moving to the back of my head to keep me in place, as he breathed me in; kissing me deeply. I opened my lips, and let him have every bit of me he wanted.  
Then he pulled back, and narrowed his eyes at me.  
“Nope… still nothing”, he smirked.

I punched him hard across the face, feeling my knuckles crack against his jaw.  
“You should go now”, he said coldly. “Don’t come back”.  
He turned around, and walked back inside the bar.

I got behind the wheel of the Thunderbird, and turned on the engine – then drove out of the lot, getting as far away as I could; as fast as I could.

\---

I headed towards the west coast; forcing myself to get some sleep once in a while – laying down across the seat of the T-bird. Nightmares involving black eyes and screaming children woke me after only a few hours; and I would get back to driving immediately.

Sam had left numerous voicemails, pleading for me to call him back, and let him know where I was.  
“ _… Cass is sick. He can’t help…_ ”.  
“ _… another bust in Amarillo…”.  
“… Mike has nothing… please call me”._

As I entered Iowa, I pulled over, and resolved to call him up.  
“ _Lulu?_ ”, I heard him croak into the receiver.  
“Hey, Sam…”, I breathed.  
“ _Where are you?_ ”, he asked.  
“I’m… visiting friends”, I muttered.  
“ _Is that code?_ ”. He sounded tired; and I could picture him bent over one of the tables in the library, dark circles under his eyes.  
“No… yeah… Look, I’m sorry I went dark on you. I just need to take care of this. Make sure…”. I didn’t know how to finish the sentence.

I heard Sam sigh deeply.  
“ _Are you still with me on this?_ ”.  
“You know I am”, I rasped. “I just need to finish this”.  
“ _Does it have to do with Dean?_ ”, Sam muttered.  
 _Does it have to do with the fact that the demon that is my ex-lover could show up at any time, and kill my friends and their child? Yes,_ I thought.  
“It’s complicated”, I said quietly.  
“ _What aren’t you telling me…?_ ”. Sam had a slight edge to his voice. “ _Do you have info we can use?_ ”.  
 _Not without a fatal outcome_ , I thought.  
“No”, I lied. “Not right now… Please just trust that I’m telling you everything I can… Sam…”.

I could hear Sam’s teeth grinding through the phone.  
“ _Whatever… Look, if you’re out, just tell me_ ”.  
“I’m not…”, I whispered. A tear escaped my eye. “I just don’t want anyone else getting hurt”.  
“ _What’s that supposed to mean?_ _Lulu, where are you? What are you doing?_ ”.  
I swallowed hard.  
“Bye, Sam. I love you”. I hung up.  
I took a few minutes to calm myself, and wipe my face; before getting back on the road.

Two days later, it was a busy day in the botanical gardens in San Francisco. The weather was wonderful, and I realized I stood out among the people there, in my jeans, boots and sweatshirt – everyone else were dressed in shorts and summer dresses. I stopped by a street vendor, and bought an _I Heart SF_ cap, to blend in with the tourists.

Seating myself on a bench with a view of Funston Ave. and one of the entryways to the gardens; I waited. I’d checked Raul’s social media, and knew that every Saturday – like clockwork – he and Chad would bring out Lola for a picnic on Conifer Lawn.  
My breath hitched, as I finally saw them exiting their building. Lola had grown so much since she’d been adopted by the couple. I’d never met her in person; only seen pictures – but even from those, I could tell she was a firecracker; constantly on the move.

Raul and Chad were both dressed in relaxed summer garb; and Lola was in a polka dotted dress – seated on the shoulders of Chad, pulling at his hair. I couldn’t hear her, but from her lips moving, I could tell she was either singing or yelling at her dads to move faster. Only two and a half, and already the queen of their lives.

The family made their way into the park, and I turned away as they passed me.  
“Lolita!”, Raul chuckled. I almost jumped; afraid I’d been discovered. “Stop pulling daddy’s hair. It’s already falling out enough as it is”.  
Chad sent his husband a teasing smile.  
“Just means I have more testosterone”.  
Raul grabbed his hand, and they continued towards their destination.

Once they had passed me, I followed quietly – keeping a good distance between us.   
They set up their lunch on the lawn, and Lola went to look at the flowers.  
I stayed near, looking at them through some trees. Lola pointed at a butterfly, and Raul joined her – lifting her into the air, and letting her “fly” along with it.  
Other families had their lunches nearby my friends; and children where rolling down the hills. It was a perfect day for a picnic.

I began searching the faces of the people around. An elderly couple were sharing a newspaper, a woman was throwing a frisbee for her dog; a teenager was riding his skateboard down a path nearby. He halted a few paces from me, picking up his board, and meeting my eyes. I recognized the angel in him, and he gave me a slight nod. Swallowing, I nodded back.  
He continued on, on his board; before halting again about 10 yards away; and looking intently at something across the lawn.

A woman was standing there; wearing a nice summer dress, licking an ice-cream. She sent the skater a slight smirk, and for a second, her eyes blinked black – sending a jolt through my body  
Crowley hadn’t been lying.

The demon tilted her head, and looked towards me – her expression suddenly hardening. She walked slowly towards the public restrooms, and I followed her into the ladies’ room.   
Once inside, the room seemed empty. I checked all the stalls, finding them unoccupied – when a tingle down my spine let me know I was being watched.  
The demon was standing by the door, blocking my exit.

“Can’t a girl pee in peace?”, she smirked.  
“Let’s just get this over with”, I snarled. “I’m guessing your… vessel, is dead?”.  
She shrugged.  
“No reason to waste a perfectly good body”, she said.

I snatched my blade from the back of my jeans, and sprang towards her.  
“You’re staying away from that family”, I hissed. She sprang out of the way with a giggle.  
“And who’s gonna stop me? You?”, she scoffed.   
“I will, if I have to!”, I growled, and slashed at her again, my blade tearing through the front of her dress – and I saw a small trickle of blood coming from the slight gash I’d managed to make on her abdomen.  
“Ow…”, she sneered.

I kicked at her leg, but she caught my ankle; twisting it painfully, and making me fall to the floor – and drop my hat.  
“He said I couldn’t kill you if you showed up; but he didn’t say anything about hurting you _really_ bad”, she jeered – proceeding to kick me hard in the back.  
All air escaped my lungs, and I saw white from pain.

On my belly, the demon straddled me, and grabbed my hair; knocking my head hard into the concrete floor. The white became stars.   
My blade was still in my hand, but I couldn’t get my arm from out under my body, as she held me down.  
“I thought we were going to fight!”, she giggled. “Even if you did manage to kill me, the king has other demons on your precious friends. They’ll never be safe…”. She leaned down, and began growling into my ear. “The only reason you’re still alive yourself, is because _he_ wants you that way…”.  
“Who?”, I croaked. “Crowley? Or Dean…?”.  
“It’s like I said – and _he_ said, when I was in bed with him… No reason to waste a perfectly good body”, she chuckled. She turned me around. “And you _are_ kind of cute. Even if you _are_ bleeding!”. She slammed her fist across my face.

Apparently, she’d forgotten about my blade; and now that I was in a position to use it, I ran it through her torso – twisting it as I went. What looked lightning from inside her body, and with a rattle, she collapsed on top of me.

I pushed the corpse of me, and got on my feet; pain jolting through me entire body as I did. I looked in the mirror, and saw that my tank-top was covered in blood; and I had a gash on my forehead.  
I quickly used some water to wash myself off, and put my sweatshirt back on, to cover the blood – and the cap on my head, to hide the gash. Sliding my blade up my sleeve, I stumbled towards the exit.

As I left the restroom, my phone rang in my pocket, the screen lit up with _The Smart One_.  
“Sam?”, I breathed.  
“ _What are you doing in San Fran?_ ”, he grunted. “ _Raul ok?_ ”.  
“I’m… yeah, I think so”, I whimpered. “How did you know?”.  
“ _You bought a cap… credit card_ ”.  
“I ran out of cash”, I muttered.  
Sam let out a deep breath.  
“ _I may have a lead. Cass… he can’t be there. Will you come?_ ”.  
My breath hitched.  
“I’m… I can’t”.  
“ _Fine. I’ll do it myself_ ”, he grunted.  
“Sam…!”. He’d already hung up. I was losing everyone – and once Sam found Dean, the family I’d just killed a demon for, would be no more.

I discretely made my way out of the gardens, and went back to my car, driving away.

\---

“Come on!”, I screamed into the night. “Get out here and face me!”.

Far from everywhere, at a crossroads; I was waiting for someone to respond to my summoning.  
“No devil’s trap. Nothing! I’m even unarmed!”.  
“Really? Then is that your angel blade up your sleeve, or are you just happy to see me?”, a voice from behind me said.

I spun around, and stood face to face with a beautiful young woman with red eyes. I slowly pulled out my blade, and placed it on the ground.  
“I need to speak to Crowley!”, I croaked. “Please”.  
“No one knows…”, she began.  
“Horse crap! One of your own got me in contact with him just days ago!”, I sneered. “I have to speak to him… Let him know that…”.   
She rolled her eyes.  
“You know, I’m a demon. Not a secretary. You know where he is. Go tell him yourself”.  
“There’s no time! He’ll…”.

“I called off my demons from your friends. They won’t be harmed”, Crowley grunted from behind me. “Thank you, Jeanette. I’ll take it from here”.  
“My king…”, she smirked, and disappeared.  
My jaw dropped.  
“You… what? Why put me through hell like that?”, I growled.  
Crowley rolled his eyes.  
“Hello! Who do you think you’re talking to?”, he sneered. “You took out another of my subjects today”.  
I nodded; my head still woozy from the encounter with the demon.  
“She said you had others on Raul”.  
He shrugged.  
“It’s good to have a back-up plan”, he grunted. “But, thank you for handling her. She was pushing to become one of my crossroads girls; and you proved she wasn’t ready for that”.

I scoffed.  
“I guess you owe me one…”, I muttered.  
He raised a hand.  
“Actually, no. I’ve already repaid that favor. And, you’re welcome… I helped you realize who was more important to you. The Winchesters, or your friends from your old life… You’d rather have Dean running around as a demon, than help him…”.  
“That’s not true…”, I whispered. “I just couldn’t let that little girl…”.  
“Lose her daddies? Die…? Aww…”. He pouted mockingly. “I don’t have time for this. Run along”.

He turned around to leave.  
“Crowley! Dean… he won’t come after them?”, I called out.  
“Not if Moose can help it… Right, should probably have told you. Dean’s on his way back with Sam. Once again; you’re welcome”. He disappeared.

\---

I stumbled out of the T-bird a day later, having driven without breaks. I was shaking with exhaustion and aching, and almost knocked over a chair on my way through the library.  
“Sam!”, I yelled. I heard a terrifying roar from down one of the halls – beyond deep or guttural. What I heard, was a monster. “Oh, god…”, I whispered.

Sam came through the doorway. He looked as grey as he had the day before he ended the trials.  
“You came”, he said. “I thought you were busy”.  
“Sam, I wasn’t…”, I croaked. “I’m sorry. Please, I want to help”.  
He nodded slightly; looking me over.  
“What happened?”.  
“Don’t worry about it”, I breathed, wincing in pain. “I’m here”.

Sam clenched his jaw.  
“You should know… he’s a demon”. He looked at me tentatively. “But… he’s not possessed. It’s him”.  
I nodded, lacking the right words to tell him, that I already knew.  
“What do you need?”, I asked matter-of-factly.  
Sam sighed.  
“I’m trying the cure. The demon cure”, he said. “I have to inject the blood myself, but I might need backup”.  
“Anything”, I said.

He walked through the door again; and I followed him down the hall – towards the dungeon.  
“Sammy! Did you bring company?”, I heard Dean’s voice call out. I felt shivers down my spine. “Sugar and spice, and…”. I followed Sam through the door to the storage space in front of the devil’s trap; where Dean was tied to a chair. “Hey, honey… I’m home”. Dean’s face widened into a menacing grin.

Sam handed me a bottle of holy water, and gestured for me to spray it on the floor in front of his brother. He grabbed a syringe of blood, and stabbed it into Deans arm – emptying it.  
Dean let out a growl, before letting his eyes go black, and looking up at us.  
“The whole family. Together again”, he sneered.   
I looked down.  
“Don’t listen to him”, Sam muttered. “It won’t make a difference”.

Letting his eyes blink back to green, Dean then narrowed them at me.  
“You’ve been helping Sam track me down, up until a week ago. Hunting with my brother… How’s that working out for you two? He get between those pretty thighs yet?”, he grinned. “I mean, I don’t blame you, Sam. I’ve been there, it’s a decent place for a party”.  
I threw holy water at his face, and Dean hissed – his lips drawing back into a snarl.  
“This isn’t you talking”, I said.   
“But it is, honey”, Dean sneered. “This is me, without you two holding me back. Oh, and the angel”. I frowned at him. “Right… he’s been inside you as well. I forgot”. He narrowed his eyes, and let them blink to black. “He’s still in there, isn’t he…? You are one nasty girl”. He laughed.   
“How did you know?”, I croaked. “I never told…”.  
Sam turned his back to Dean, and looked at me intently.  
“I told you. Don’t listen…”.

Dean rolled his eyes.  
“There she goes with that pathetic expression… It makes me want to rip my skin off”, he groaned.  
“Did she tell you she knew where I was days before you did?”, Dean smirked.   
Sam frowned at me, his brows raising in question.   
“Sam… You don’t understand. Crowley was threatening Raul and his family”, I explained. “I had to…”.  
“ _Oh, Sam… I’m so sorry I’m being a whiny little bitch. Please hold me tight against your firm chest, and console me”_ , Dean mocked. “Seriously, Sammy. Have at it. We won’t just be brothers; we’ll be tunnel buddies!”.

Sam grabbed my arm, and dragged me out of the room, down the hall.  
“You knew… How long?”, he hissed.  
“Since that last demon”, I muttered. “Crowley tricked me. I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the right thing. I couldn’t let him… he was going to have your brother kill a child!”.  
Sam closed his eyes, and took a deep breath.  
“Later… We need to finish this”, he grunted. He rubbed his eyes with his good hand; and rolled the shoulder on which his sling was resting.  
“You need to rest”, I said.  
“I need to watch him… He already passed out once”, he muttered.  
“I can watch him”, I retorted.  
He frowned at me.  
“Can I trust you with that?”.

It was like a slap to the face; and I responded the only way I knew. Slapping him across his.  
“How many weeks did we spend together, trying to get him back?”, I snarled. “We were _both_ up to our necks in demon blood!”.  
“I get it. You did what you thought was right”, he grunted, not meeting my eyes. He looked at his watch. “Call for me in 45, or if Cass shows up. He’s on his way. Don’t let him out of your sight”. I nodded, and went to walk back into the dungeon.

I went back into the dark room, pulling the chair from the desk to sit on, just outside the devil’s trap. I avoided looking at Dean.  
“How’s the T-bird treating you?”, he muttered.  
“We talking shop now?”, I asked. He shrugged slightly.  
“Would you rather talk about that chick I screwed the minute you left the bar?”, he smiled. “She made this adorable face when she…”.  
“I’m sure she did”, I retorted.

“Jealous? I mean, I offered, but you turned me down…”, he smirked. “If you want, I’d be happy to give you a quick ride. Don’t get me wrong, honey, you’re still hot as hell; even with those bruises you’re sporting. I’d tear you apart right now if I wasn’t stuck in this chair… We never did it on a chair, did we?”. He closed his eyes in remembrance. “There was my bed; the bed in 13; the car; that one time in the showers; the restroom at that Gas-N-Sip… oh and that time in the kitchen, when Cass almost walked in on us – that was fun!”.  
“Yeah, we had a lot of sex”, I sighed.   
“Or is it that Sam’s wearing you out?”, he asked. “At this point you’ve been through all the men in my family. Me; Sam – my old man…”.  
I frowned.  
“I never…”. I shook my head. “Forget it”.

I took off my flannel, leaving me in my tank-top and jeans, and stretched my arms over my head; trying to warm up my aching muscles. Dean gave me a lewd look.  
“You know, _you_ have a funny looking expression as well; when I take you there”. He grimaced, raising his brows, and pouting his lips. “ _Oh, god… Dean, please don’t stop… You’re making me… Oh! I never did_ that _before_ …”, he jeered.   
I chuckled.  
“Coming from _you_ , that’s rich”, I smiled.  
“Oh, I’m a beautiful sight to behold when I finish… ask any of the skanks whose panties I’ve had my hands down this last month”, he smirked. I swallowed hard. “Really. Smell my fingers”, he winked.

“Are you going to spend the rest of the hour talking about sex?”, I asked.  
He shook his head.  
“Oh, no”, he said. “Let’s talk about your feelings instead. How much you _love_ me. Enough to drop your life, and run off to be a hunter – just to impress me. Kind of pathetic…”.  
“Yeah… I’m pathetic. You’re the one tied to a chair, here”, I muttered.  
He took a deep breath.  
“Speaking of tied up… You know, back in Denver – that crazy countess – when you were hanging from the ceiling, with your blood draining… I considered letting you hang there. You were already so close to death. It was more a sense of obligation that had me help you… Don’t feel that no more; which is why I can tell you – truthfully – I should have let you die. Once in a while, I’ve even regretted not letting it happen”.  
“You’re lying”, I whispered.  
“I’m not”, he smirked. “Would have made my life so much easier, if I didn’t constantly have to drop everything, to come rescue you”.

He was trying to taunt me into coming closer, so he could grab me, and use me as leverage to be set free. I knew it was the monster in him speaking, but it was difficult hearing his words, as they still came out in his voice.  
“Don’t worry, I’ll be gone as soon as you’re cured, if that’s what you want”, I muttered.  
“Why don’t you leave now?”, he asked. “You don’t belong here. You have no…”.  
“ _No idea what you got yourself into, Lou. You’re not strong enough for this, Lou…”.  
_ He drew his lips back in a snarl.  
“How about; _come over here and let me rip your throat out with my teeth, Lou…_ ”.

I picked up the bottle of holy water, and squirted it at him.  
“You stupid gash!”, he growled, as smoke rose from his exposed skin.  
“Oops”, I grunted. “Thought you might be thirsty”.  
“Whiskey, next time, ok honey?”, he snarled.  
I shook my head.  
“We can have a drink if you want. When you’re yourself again”, I muttered.  
“I _am_ myself!”, Dean roared. “Why can’t you see that? I am 100%, pure Dean. There’s just nothing holding me back from telling the truth anymore”.  
I frowned at him.  
“And you’re wasting that truth on telling me about the women you’ve screwed? How you want to kill me?”. I sighed. “That’s a lie, by the way. I met a pretty girl in a summer dress, who told me you wanted me alive”.

Dean tilted his head.  
“Only because I want the pleasure of killing you myself”, he smirked. “Here’s what’s going to happen… Before Sam gets back here, I’m going to be free from this chair, either on my own; or with you helping me. Then, I’m going to push you against that wall over there; get you all hot and bothered – just the way you like it. I’m going to run my hands over every inch of you I know will drive you wild. Then I’m going to drill myself deeper into you than I’ve ever been, and when I’m finished; I’ll snap your neck. The ultimate climax”.  
I swallowed hard.  
“Why?”, I whispered. “If I don’t mean anything – if I’m no danger to you – why kill me?”.  
“Because you’ll never stop…”, he said. “You’re like an annoying mosquito, showing up at all times, draining me of energy – constantly _needing_ me. It’s enough to drive any man crazy. You are a blight on my existence”.

I got up to stand.  
“The worst part of this, is knowing how much you’ll hate yourself for those words, once this is over”, I said. I looked at my phone. “20 minutes before I get Sam. Let’s not talk until then”.

Dean spent the rest of our time alone switching between commenting on how perfect my breasts looked, how much he wanted to burry himself between my legs, and the many different way he planned on killing me.  
Once it was finally time to call for Sam, I was shaking.

I practically ran for his room, and went in without knocking. He ripped his gun from under his pillow; but put it down once he saw it was just me.  
“It’s time…”, I croaked.  
He got up, and went over to look at me. I was frozen in place.   
“Look, if you can’t do this with me; you need to leave”, he said. His eyes were hard; and he was clearly still angry about me keeping Dean’s whereabout a secret. “I can’t be worrying about protecting you right now”.  
“No, I know!”, I whimpered. “You won’t have to. I’m good”.  
“Yeah?”, Sam asked, his brows raised. I nodded. “I’m gonna go find some things to remind him of who he really is. Go check the car. Find music – anything _Dean_ ”.

I ran for the garage, finding the doors of the Impala open; and every tape that usually resided in the glove compartment, gone.  
I heard a slamming of a door; and spun around. Sam was standing in front of the door, looking panicked.  
“Hide!”, he demanded. “He got free”. An intense chill ran down my spine; and I pulled out my blade.   
“Cass?”, I whispered. Sam shook his head.  
“Still not here”, he responded. “We have to split up. If one of us… The other needs to either finish it, or start over”.  
I nodded fiercely; and he went for the other door out of the garage.


	2. Chapter 2

7 months before

_“Sam could walk in any time!”, I giggle.  
“Nah, he’s out cold”, Dean smiles, as he presses me against the wall of the gym. He slides his hand under my top, and strokes my back with his fingertips.  
“You’re all sweaty”, I complain.  
“So are you. It’s what happens when you train hand to hand with a hot chick, sugar”, Dean says with a raspy voice. “Come on…”. His lips brush against mine, and I’m finding it very hard to resist the urge to kiss him.  
“Exactly… train”, I rasp. “It’s why we’re here. You were going to train me, right? Not try to get in my pants”.  
He slides his hand down, pushing his fingers under waistband, and squeezing my bottom over my panties. I feel a flush of warmth stream through my core.  
“But they’re such nice pants…”, he growls._

_I push against his chest, struggling both with his strength, and my own unwillingness for him to stop.  
“Every time you distract me like this, is one more time spent on me _not _learning. And you won’t let me hunt alone until you think I’m ready”. I get into a fighting stance. “So, let’s get me ready”.  
Dean frowns.  
“Baby, you shouldn’t _ever _be hunting alone. But if you insist…”.  
“Don’t make it too easy… I’ll know!”, I smirk._

_He jumps for me, and I dodge his strike – but not before he grabs my arm, and holds it behind me, in an armlock.  
“Crap”, I grunt. “Ok, fine. You win. I’m done”.  
Dean lets go of my arm.  
“You did good, Lou. Now hit the showers”, he smirks.  
I pull my top over my head.  
“Why shower, when I’m just gonna get sweaty again afterwards?”, I ask, raising a brow at him. Deans smirk widens to a grin, as I walk up close to him, and pull at the hem of his t-shirt. He discards it quickly, and pull me in for a passionate kiss._

_His tongue probes my lips for entry, and I grant it willingly; as I begin unbuckling his belt.  
“Jeans for a workout session… You’re kind of weird”, I smile against his lips.  
He scrunches up his brows, and looks down at me, his hand on my cheek.  
“Oh, I don’t do sweatpants, sweetheart”, he grunts. “But, thank you, for wearing them yourself… Easier access”._

_With a firm tug at my leggings, he removes both them and my panties in one go; helping me step out of them. He places a slight kiss at the apex of my thighs; before lifting me to straddle him; and walks me over to a vault – setting me down on it.  
Quickly releasing himself from his jeans and boxers, he gives me a quick kiss; and uses my wetness to slick himself up, before pushing himself into me – making us both gasp in pleasure.  
Dean attacks my lips again, as he thrusts rhythmically. He looks meaningfully into my eyes.  
“Say it”, he pleads. I smile softly.  
“I love you…”, I breathe.  
He shakes his head.  
“Yeah, I love you too… But… say the other thing?”, he pleads.  
I chuckle.  
“_Led Zeppelin rules… _”.  
Dean’s eyes widen, and he pushes into me hard.  
“I am _never _letting you go, woman!”._

_\---_

I went back into the living area of the bunker; pressing my back against the wall. Closing my eyes, I listened.  
“Sammy!”, Dean growled from somewhere near the armory. “You locked the door to the armory… not playing fair… No matter”. I heard him move in the direction of the kitchen; and I slipped in the opposite direction, constantly facing in the direction I thought Dean was.

“Lou? Where are you…? Just come out, we can still have some fun… Well, _I_ can have some fun”. I could hear the grin in his voice.  
Suddenly, the lights went out.  
“Smart, Sam! Locking the place down. Doors won’t open. I get it”. Dean was moving towards the electrical room. “But here’s the thing: I don’t want to leave! Not ‘til I find you!”. Something was knocked over, and I saw Sam’s shadow move through a doorway.  
“Sammy! You’re just making this worse for yourself, man! Oh, by the way, you can blame yourself for me getting loose. All that blood you pumped into me to make me human… Well. The less demon I was, the less the cuffs worked. And that Devil’s Trap? I just walked right across it. It smarted, but still”.

A door was slammed, making me jump.  
“Listen to me, Dean! We were getting close, okay? I know you’re still in there somewhere. Just let me finish the treatments”. Sam sounded desperate. I ran towards his voice, but when he saw me, he waved me away. The lights went back on.  
Suddenly, Dean began bashing his way through the door to the electrical room, with a hammer.  
“Just listen to him, Dean. Please!”, I yelled.  
“Oh, I’ll get back to you, honey!”, he snarled, hitting the door again.  
“Go, Lulu!”, Sam growled. “Dean, stop that! Look, I don’t want to use this blade on you!”.  
Dean looked at him coldly.  
“That sucks for you, doesn’t it, because you really mean that!”.  
Sam shook his head.  
“Look, if you come out of that room, I won’t have a choice!”, he said. “I’m not letting you hurt any of us”.  
“Here’s the thing: I’m lucky. Oh, hell, I’m blessed! ‘Cause there’s just enough demon left in me that killing you two? Ain’t no choice at all!”.

Dean was almost through the door, and Sam and I headed in opposite directions. I sprang for the gym, and headed towards far end of the room. As I moved towards the far wall, I stumbled across a barbell.  
“Lou?”, Dean yelled. He stepped into the gym, and I dove behind some lockers. On a shelf over me, lay a staff made out of old wood – probably very cursed, and very magical, but I didn’t want to use my blade on Dean. I couldn’t.  
I got on my feet, and held my breath, leaning my back against one of the pillars; hearing Dean’s footsteps nearing.  
“Marco?”, Dean called out, passing my hiding-place.  
I stepped out from behind the lockers, and the back of his head with the staff; making him stumble forwards, and giving me the momentum I needed.  
“Polo!”, I snarled, and sprinted towards the door.

Dean was on me within seconds; his arm around my waist, and his hand in my hair. We were chest to chest, and the smell of sulfur hit my nose, making me wince.  
“Let me go, Dean”, I breathed. “You’re going to regret this”.  
“I really don’t think I will”, he smiled. “But ok… I’ll let you go. Just to test your skills so far…”.  
Dean released me from his grip; placing himself between me and the exit – making the only way out, through him. If I was going to survive, I’d need a weapon.

I pulled out my blade again.  
“Please don’t make me do this”, I croaked.  
Dean smirked, and sprang forward. I ducked out of the way, and slashed for him – missing. My body was still in pain from the beating I took for the demon in SF; and with my reflexes less than functional, Dean was behind me quickly – punching me hard in the back.  
As I fell to the floor, Dean grabbed my wrist, and slammed my hand into the floor multiple times, until I had to let go of my blade.  
I scratched at his face; and in return, he backhanded me across mine.  
“Should have done that a long time ago”, he sneered.

Picking me up from the floor, as I was still panting; Dean held me flush against him – my back to his chest.  
“We’ve been here before, haven’t we?”, he snarled. He walked me over to the wall, and – just as I had the first time we’d been in there together – I set my feet on the wall, and pushed backwards. “Good job, Lou! Not gonna take me out this time though”. Dean held his feet firmly planted on the ground, and no amount of struggling would get me free.

Held closely by the man I loved, as he was about to kill me; I was bleeding, hurting, crying; but determined to get out of this alive.

I snaked my leg between Dean’s legs – hooked it around his right one – then pulled forwards; making us both fall to the ground.  
I crawled away as fast as I could.  
“Come back here, you bitch!”, he growled after me, getting on his feet. Sam appeared in the door, and threw a bottle of holy water at Dean, making him hiss, and cover his face.  
Sam sprang towards me, and helped me on my feet.  
“Go! Get out of here!”, Sam yelled. “Get Cass!”.

I stumbled out of the door and down the hallway. My car was still outside, and I could potentially get far away from there if I wanted to – but I didn’t. We had to finish this – even if every bone in my body felt like it was on fire, and my muscles ached.  
I found my way to the library. Behind me, Dean was chasing Sam down a hallway.

I snatched my phone from my pocket, and tried dialing Cass number; my hands shaking so bad, I dropped the phone on the floor. As I bent down to pick it up, and hand caught me to it. I looked up, and was staring into the eyes of Castiel. He looked more like himself, though his grace was still not his own.  
He nodded at me meaningfully, and followed me towards the door to the hallway. Suddenly, we heard another deep guttural roar.

“He is worse than I thought. I don’t know that I will be strong enough”, Cass whispered. “Not on my borrowed grace”.  
I swallowed hard.  
“Take mine”, I said. “Take what you gave me!”.  
Castiel shook his head.  
“We don’t know it will work. You’re not a vessel; you’re a keeper”.  
I grabbed his arm.  
“I don’t care! Do it!”.  
“It could kill you…”, Cass said.  
"I trust you”, I breathed.

Cass frowned, but then grabbed my wrist, and we headed towards one of the storage rooms in the other end of the bunker.

In the distance, I heard clanking from Dean hitting the walls with his hammer.  
“Hurry!”, I croaked, as Castiel went through the drawers and shelves of the room.  
“We put it in here… In a wooden box”.  
I helped him search, and stumbled upon a medium sized box with a drawer, and two small doors.  
“Don’t touch that!”, Cass said. “There’s something bad inside”.  
I put it back down, and continued my search; finding a smaller box, with a syringe inside.  
“Cass!”, I croaked. “Is this it?”.

Castiel took the box from me, and nodded.  
“You will need to sit down. And… this will be very painful”, he muttered.  
I grabbed a wobbly looking chair, and sat down.  
“We need to help them”. Another crash was heard.  
Cass clenched his jaw.  
“When I did this with Sam, I went in from the neck… This is different. I will need to stab this into your heart”.  
I swallowed deeply, and pulled down my top slightly.  
“Do it”, I demanded; trying desperately to control my shaking body.

I closed my eyes, sighed; and felt Cass stroking my cheek. I opened my eyes again, and nodded at him.  
Cass pulled back his arm, and jabbed the needle into my chest; making me gasp for air.

To explain the pain of what was happening to me, would be easy. Imagine just having been beaten up and verbally abused by the person you loved the most in the world. Then, someone took a 4-inch syringe, made by madmen living in a bunker – probably rusty as hell – and stabbed it through your heart. I had never experienced such pain in my life.  
Cass pulled back the piston, and what looked like light entered the syringe. Every small movement he made, made scorching pain burn from my chest, and through my body.  
Finally, he withdrew the needle; and I sank together on the chair – clutching my chest.

Castiel twisted the needle of the syringe, and let the grace stream into his mouth – making his eyes shine with a bright blue light. For a moment, a bright light streamed out of the angel; and I saw the shadow of large wings behind him.  
Trying to cover my eyes, I fell of the chair, and landed on the floor.

I felt drained, and as if I’d never be able to use my own legs again. I was shaking and shivering – ever jolt going through me even more painful than the one before. Castiel bent over me, and picked me up.  
“Stay here. I will lock the door”, he muttered. I opened my mouth to speak. “Don’t talk. You’re too weak”.  
“Cass…”, I rasped.  
He stroked my hair.  
“I will be back. I have left a very small amount of my grace in you… It should help you heal”. He furrowed his brow. “You are very strong, and very brave. I made the right choice”. He walked out the door, and I saw a blue light through the lock – before I passed out.

I didn’t dream, everything was just black. Sometimes I would jostle awake from growls and roars, before there was just silence.  
My mouth was dry; which was just as well, because every time I swallowed, the feeling of the needle going in to my heart returned.  
The room felt cold, and I was left completely alone, not knowing what was going on around me. I couldn’t get out up from the floor – I didn’t have the strength for it – but I could turn my head in the direction of the door; hoping against hope that one of my friends would walk through it soon, alive.

After what seemed like many hours, the door opened, and Cass stepped inside. He gave me a slight smile.  
“It is over”, he said. “Dean is… Dean”. My breath hitched, and tears fell from my eyes. “Do you want to see him?”.  
I didn’t know how to answer that question.  
“I think… I need to sleep some more”, I whispered. “Can you take me to my own room? It’s too cold in here”.  
Cass came over, and helped me on my feet, putting my arm around his shoulder; supporting my weight out the door.

As we headed down the hall – my body still hurting – Castiel made sure to walk slowly. I realized my ankle was also in pain, and very swollen. The demon in SF had done a number on it, when she twisted it; but I’d been too distracted by everything going on, to register it.

As we reached passed 11, the door opened, and Sam stepped outside. Castiel paused, and through the open door, I saw Dean seated on his bed, with a stack of photographs in his hand. He looked up, and met my eyes.  
My breath hitched, and once again a tear streamed down my cheek.  
Deans eyes traced my body, and his lips parted; as if he wanted to say something, but couldn’t find the words.

I realized how I must have looked. I was held up by an angel – unable to walk without support – my face was bruised, and there was a dark purple and bluish mark on my chest, with the mark of a needle in the middle of it.  
Dean’s eyes showed pain, anger and regret – all the things I’d known he’d feel once he was back.  
“Please”, I whispered to Cass. He nodded, and led me on.

Once inside 13, I pushed Castiel off me.  
“I got it. Thanks…”, I croaked.  
“Do you need anything?”, he asked. I shook my head.  
“Just… to move on”, I muttered. He left me alone, and closed the door behind him.

Limping towards the sink, I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked even worse that I’d imagined. There was a large bump and a gash just at my hairline; I had a black eye, and a bruised jaw – and the bruise on my chest spread towards my shoulder, and down between my breasts.  
I let myself fall down on the bed; not even strong enough to pull the covers over me – and once again, fell asleep.

\---

_In my dreams I was once again in San Francisco, dressed in a summer dress; barefoot on a large lawn.  
“Lolita!”, someone called out. I turned, and Raul was standing a few paces away, with Chad, and Lola. The toddler wobbled towards me, throwing her arms around my leg; and I picked her up, kissing her head.  
I walked towards my friends with the bubbly girl in my arms, and a smile on my face._

_“Lou!”. I froze when I heard Dean’s voice. I turned to face him. He was stood next to the Impala, wearing jeans and a black t-shirt. He smiled at me softly – that smile that always sent warmth through my heart. I looked down at myself, and I was now wearing jeans and a flannel shirt and combat boots._

_The child in my arms pulled at my hair, to get my attention.  
“Choose”, Lola said, looking at me meaningfully.  
“What?”, I rasped. He tiny face lit up.  
“Juice! Juicy juicy!”. She patted both my cheeks with her little hands, and I sat her down on the ground; watching her run towards her dads.  
“Choose what?”, I yelled after her._

_Suddenly the sky darkened, and I was standing at a cross road.  
“You already did, remember?”, Crowley said from behind me. I spun around to face him.  
“I didn’t… It’s not one or the other”, I yelled.  
“Isn’t it?”, Crowley challenged. “If you care so deeply about Squirrel, why did you put someone else over him? Doesn’t speak much for your sense of loyalty, let alone love…”.  
“Shut up!”, I croaked.  
Crowley shrugged.  
“Make me. This is your dream, after all”.  
I sprang for the demon, but fell through thin air; landing on the ground._

“Lulu?”, someone was whispering. “Let me check that gash”.  
Sam was sat on the edge of the bed, running his thumb over my forehead.  
“Where…?”, I rasped.  
“Don’t worry about it right now. You need to heal”, he muttered. He examined my face. “I don’t think it needs stitches, but you might have a concussion… This happen in San Fran?”.  
“Yeah… That one did anyway”.  
He shook his head.  
“You drove all the way from the west coast like this? You’re crazy”, he grunted.  
“I needed to be here”, I said.

He looked at me apologetically.  
“I know… I’m just… Why didn’t you tell me about Raul? I could have helped”.  
“How?”, I asked. “Crowley had me in check mate. If he thought I’d told you, a baby girl – named after me – would be dead”. I shook my head in wonder. “Don’t you get it?”.  
He nodded.  
“I get it… I do. I was just so focused on getting Dean back, I didn’t think who might get hurt along the way”. He met my eyes. “It’s good that you could see beyond that”.  
I sighed raggedly.  
“Is it, though?”, I muttered. “I should have been here… For him… Did you tell him what I did?”.  
“What do you mean?”, Sam asked.  
“That I didn’t tell you… that I left him a demon, when I could have…?”.  
“I told him why you didn’t come sooner. Yeah… I can’t have any more lies”.

He began cleaning my wounds. The antiseptic stung on my chest as he got to the needle mark.  
“The grace?”, he said quietly. I nodded.  
“Cass… wasn’t strong enough. Needed some of himself back”. I sniveled. “I’m sorry, Sam… I understand if you don’t trust me anymore”, I croaked.  
He shook his head.  
“No, Lulu… I do”, he breathed. “What you did for us… You could have died when Cass did the extraction. That was a hard decision to make”.  
I shook my head.  
“No, it wasn’t”, I whispered.  
Sam leant down, and put his lips to my forehead.  
“Thank you”, he muttered.

There was knock on the door. Cass stepped inside.  
“Dean wants to know if he can see you”, he asked.  
I swallowed hard, pain spreading through my chest.  
“I don’t know how to face him…”, I rasped.  
“It’s ok”, I heard from somewhere down the hall. “I wouldn’t either”. I heard Dean’s door close, and closed my eyes; making the tears lingering there fall down my cheeks. I’d betrayed him; left him hanging, when I should have been there, helping. I’d hate me too.  
“I’ll go talk to him”, Sam said.

Cass came over to sit where Sam had been.  
“I can try to heal you”, he said.  
“It’ll drain you”, I muttered. “And you already used a lot of energy on taking down Dean last night, I’m guessing”.  
The angel nodded.  
“He was very strong. The grace you gave me back… It made me stronger; but in the end, it reacted as the grace I’ve borrowed. Drained”. I looked into his eyes. I could no longer see the angel light.  
“I can’t see it… Are you human again?”.  
He shook his head.  
“No. But there is so little grace in you, that you will probably have to look very hard to recognize one of us”, he explained. “Unless you train it. Grace can grow. It’s what Metatron had planned for you back then”.  
“I’ll… think about it”, I whispered.

Castiel took my hand. “Are you all right? My grace is working very hard to heal you faster, but there is not much left in you to do that”.  
I shook my head.  
“I’m… in pain”, I admitted.  
“But that is not why you look sad”, Castiel declared.  
I took a deep, aching breath.  
“I’m afraid I made the wrong choice…”, I whispered. “About going to San Francisco, instead of helping Sam find Dean”.  
Cass looked confused.  
“Why?”.  
“Because we could have gotten to Dean sooner”, I shrugged.  
Castiel shook his head.  
“Those few days made no difference. He’s back now”, he smiled.  
I looked for the right words.  
“I made a decision to not help him, in favor of someone else”, I explained.  
“Oh… You think that your actions mean that you love Dean less…”.

I sat up in the bed, and Castiel fluffed my pillow a bit.  
“I know I love him… more than anything”, I croaked. “But putting someone else before him like that… What does that say about that love? And my ability to love at all…”.  
“Where is this coming from?”, Cass frowned.  
I shook my head.  
“Just… my head. Some things Crowley said”, I whispered.  
“And you would listen to a demon over your own heart?”, Cass smiled. “I’m afraid you must have a serious concussion, Lulu. You should rest some more”. He stroked my cheek. “I must go. I have business to attend to… Please stop questioning yourself. You have no reason to”.

He walked towards the door, pausing in the doorway.  
“You made a choice that was very difficult. It wasn’t the wrong choice, and it doesn’t make you any less deserving of being a part of this family – quite the opposite”.  
He gave me a final smile, before leaving the room, and closing the door behind him.

\---

Some hours later, I finally gave in to hunger; and with much struggle, I got out of bed, put on a shirt I’d left in one of the drawers; and made my way towards the kitchen.  
I found a slice of pie in the fridge, and stopped to stare at it for a moment.  
“You’re welcome to it”, Dean said from the doorway. “It’s the least I can do”.

I slammed the fridge shut, and stumbled backwards. He lifted his hands in surrender.  
“I’m not gonna hurt you”, he said. “I can go away, if you want me to”.  
I shook my head.  
“No, it’s ok”, I muttered. “You just startled me”.  
Dean stepped towards me slowly, as if I was a trapped animal. I backed away from him.  
“You should be resting”, he said.  
“I was hungry”, I retorted.  
“Good. That’s good… Means you’re healing”, Dean replied.  
I chewed my lips.  
“You don’t have to worry. I’ll be out of here as soon as possible”, I said quietly.  
He furrowed his brows.  
“Good. Yeah. You shouldn’t stick around any longer than you need to”, he said. “It’s for the best, after everything that happened”.

I took the long way around the counter to avoid Dean; who was clearly frowning at me. I paused in the doorway.  
“For whatever it’s worth… I’m sorry”, I said quietly.  
“For what?”, he asked, sounding confused.  
“I put Raul and his family before helping you…”, I said.  
He shook his head  
“You made the righteous call”, he said. “Did you think I was mad about that?”. I met his eyes tentatively. “If you should apologize for anything, it should be using a priceless artifact to try to knock me out”.  
“What?”, I croaked.  
“You bashed my head in with the staff of Moses", he said, smiling crookedly. His eyes where warm.  
“Oh… _that’s_ what that was…”, I whispered. “Oops…”.

Making my way towards the coffeemaker; Dean backed away – giving me space. I had to use my hand to lean against the table on my way there. Darkness ghosted Dean’s face.  
“I… If anyone else had done what I did to you… I would kill them”, he growled quietly.  
“You weren’t you”, I whispered; pouring myself a cup of coffee. “Do you want some?”.  
Dean shook his head.  
“Don’t make this out to be normal breakfast conversation”, he breathed. “I _beat_ you… Said I’d kill you”.  
“I just want to forget it”, I said, not meeting his eyes.  
“You can’t even look at me without wincing”, he breathed.  
I met his eyes.  
“Yes, I can”, I said. “I just need to heal, Dean. I’ll get over it”.  
“I won’t”, he retorted.

He held out his arm; displaying the mark.  
“As long as I have this thing… I don’t trust myself. Especially around you… And you shouldn’t either”. Clenching his jaw, he continued. “I close my eyes, and I see you in front of me… And I’m holding you down, wanting to hurt you… It’s hell even standing close to you right now; because I’m afraid I’ll hurt you again”.  
“You’re not going to… Not anymore. Sam and Cass finished the cure. You’re yourself again”.  
I went to sit down at the kitchen table; once again wincing – this time from a jolt of pain through my chest.  
Dean frowned.  
“About that… What you did…”. He gestured towards my chest, and the bruise there. “That was dangerous… and you did it for _me_. After everything I said, and how I hurt you…”. He clenched his jaw, and his eyes dropped to the floor. “I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that”.

My heart beat painfully.  
“I don’t forgive you either”, I rasped. Dean’s lips parted, and he looked like I’d just slapped him across his face. “Because it wasn’t _you_ … You don’t blame Sam for what happened to Kevin, do you?”.  
He shook his head.  
“That was different. That was just his body”, he rasped. He sat down across from me. Being close to him like this, yet with an unintelligible distance between us, was strange. “This was me… me choosing to hurt you… And I did”.

I took a sip of my coffee – the very normal action seeming strangely abnormal in our current circumstances.  
“So, what are you saying? You really want me gone?”, I muttered.  
“I don’t know, Lou… All I’ve done since we reconnected is tell you what to do, where to stand, how to hunt… I haven’t let you do what you wanted, no matter how much you’ve been trying to tell me what that was”. He ran a hand through his hair. “And then, this thing with the mark happened… I became a demon, yeah – but even before that, I treated you like… The things I said to you… I put my hands on you in a way I should never have…”. He tensed up, a deep anger towards himself clear in his expression. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to stick around”.  
If I thought I had no more tears left in me, I’d been wrong.  
“I don’t want to lose you…”, I whimpered. Dean reached out, and took my hand; carefully, as if he didn’t trust his own body-movements.   
“And I don’t want you to lose _you…_ That would kill me… again”. He met my eyes again. “But, I’m not good for you, Lou”.

I got up to stand; and Dean followed, ready to catch me if my weak legs would hold.  
“Please tell me this isn’t about me choosing Raul’s family over you… I just wanted to protect them… And you. I couldn’t let you have their blood on your hands”. My lip was quivering.  
Dean stepped towards me, and this time I didn’t back away. I put my hand on his chest; and he let me walk into his arms – slipping them around me.  
“The choice you made to protect that family… that was the right choice. It doesn’t have anything to do with how we feel about each other – but everything to do with the person you are. And I think… I’m holding you back from being her”.

I whimpered against his shoulder, and Dean stroked my hair.  
“I love you…”, I whispered.  
“And I love you… so much”, he breathed; his lips close to my ear. “Which is why you need to leave. So I don’t continue pushing you towards being someone you’re not – you shouldn’t be questioning yourself on my account. It’s not right… And so I don’t hurt you… again”.  
He held me for a few moments, and I felt his own tears mixing with mine, on my skin.  
I wiped my tears away.  
“You don’t want to make decisions for me; but right now, you are…”.  
He nodded.  
“Last one… I promise”, he said quietly.

Taking a deep breath, I looked into his eyes again. They were even greener than usual, because of the tears lingering in them.  
“So, we’re over…”, I croaked.  
He licked his lips, and blew out a breath.  
“I don’t want to say that… Please don’t make me”, he rasped, a dormant sob in his voice.

“Dean!”, Sam called from down the hall. We pulled away from each other, both wiping our eyes. Dean cleared his throat.  
“Kitchen”, he answered. Sam stepped into the room.  
“Have you seen…”. His eyes fell on me. “Lulu. You should be in bed”.  
“I’m fine”, I whispered. Sam frowned.  
“Yeah?”. His eyes travelled between me and Dean. “Is everything ok here?”.  
Dean nodded.  
“Yeah. Just… needed to wrap up a conversation that was overdue”, he said.

Without looking at any of the brothers, I headed towards my room again. For a while, I sat on the bed, regaining my composure.  
Sam had brought my bag in from the car, so I could change my clothes. I picked it up, and headed towards the library. Sam and Dean were apparently having a brotherly moment in there, which made my exit less stealthy than I had hoped.

“Where are you going?”, Sam asked. Dean parted his lips, apparently searching for the right words.  
“I’m… I have to leave”, I said.  
“You’re still hurt; look at you”, Sam frowned.  
“I can drive… carefully”, I retorted, trying for a smile. Dean shook his head.  
“You don’t have to… Not yet”, he grunted.  
“Yeah, I do”, I declared.  
I walked over to Sam, and he leaned down to let me kiss his cheek. Dean grabbed my bag.  
“Can I walk you out?”, he asked. I nodded.

Once outside, Dean put my things in the passenger seat.  
“She really _is_ beautiful. You’ve been taking good care of her”, he smiled; stroking the hood of the T-bird.  
“ _He_ ”, I said quietly.  
“He?”, Dean frowned. “She’s a he?”. I nodded with a crooked smile. Dean tilted his head, and looked the car over. “I can see it”.

I went to the driver’s side, and leaned against the door.  
“Will we see you around?”, Dean asked.  
“When have we ever been able to stay away from each other?”, I smiled. He grinned, for a second, before looking down. “You gonna kiss me goodbye?”, I whispered.

With two long strides, Dean was in front of me; his hands on either side of my face. I lifted my chin and leaned into him – and then our lips met.  
Everything around us stopped – there was no wind, no birds singing, nothing. Just us, and this moment of goodbye.  
I grabbed Dean’s collar, and pushed him away.  
“I love you”, I croaked.  
“I love you”, he responded.

I got into my car, and drove away – wiping my eyes every 10 seconds.

\---

I spent a few days just driving, getting away from the Lebanon – from Dean. We’d ended it – if not on a hostile note – in a painful manner. And we hadn’t truly ended it at all; which made it all the more difficult to not turn around and drive back.  
But Dean didn’t think I should be around him, and maybe he was right. If I wasn’t helping him get better, and he was afraid of who he was around me; I should stay way.

I found myself nearing South Dakota; and called up Jody, who - in spite of having taken in a wayward teenager the year before – had room and heart for me to stay for a few weeks.  
I ate buckets of ice-cream, more or less healed up; and listened to music – everything but 50’s ballads. Jody made sure to keep all her old dresses well hidden from me.

I visited San Fran again, letting myself be known this time. Raul and Chad took me in with open arms, and after having watched _Frozen_ with her 13 times – it was clear to me by now, that 13 was my lucky number – Lola began calling me Auntaloo. I didn’t have the heart to correct her – no matter how much her pet name for me sounded like the name for a porta-potty.  
After a good deal of back and forth in my head, I decided to come clean to the two men about where I’d been for the last few years; and what I had been doing. I left out the part where Chad’s inheritance was due to a demon-deal – and where his former 3 extra inches of spine came from.

I was terrified that my friends would reject me, tell me I was crazy; and shipping me off to an asylum. When Raul – as always – turned out to be my champion and supporter, I fell crying into his arms.  
“So those cute boys – the feds…”, Chad began.  
“Not FBI”, I said. “They, uhm…”.  
“Got me out of jail… Saved your life”, Raul said. “All I need to know”.  
Before I left the family, they let me set up hex bags and wards around their apartment. I let Chad take a spin in my Boy – as I’d begun to call the T-bird – and said goodbye to them all; driving away with a full heart.

Getting restless, I began looking up cases to track; and got back to work. Once in a while, I texted Sam to ask about specific monsters I thought I’d come across; and when he answered, he’d always make sure I knew Dean was alive, and somewhat well.  
After a good 5 months, I was in better shape physically than I had been for years – save the small scar on my chest, from where Cass had drawn his grace out of me.

I had tracked down a case of mysterious deaths in Wyoming; where people were committing sick suicides. In all cases, the frontal lobes where missing from the victims, and their eardrums where split – leading police to believe that it was a matter of a serial killer, committing brutal lobotomies. I suspected it was a ghost haunting an old psych ward, and had almost been convinced, when my EMF-meter – gifted to me by Sam – almost blew through the roof.  
I’d been surprised, when suddenly I heard an earsplitting screech; which knocked me to the floor. Looking up, I saw a terrifying specter in the shape of a woman. I covered my ears, readying myself for inevitable death; when a brunette woman sprang into the room – stabbing the ghost with what looked like a gold knife.

I was having drinks with my rescuer, thanking her profusely by getting us both sloshed on margaritas; when a text arrived on my phone.  
\- It’s bad. He needs you. Come home. S.  
I turned to face Eileen; making sure she could see my lips while I spoke.  
“I’m sorry, I have to go. My… friends need me”, I mouthed. She smiled friendlily.  
“It’s ok. Text me, ok?”, she said.  
I sprang out of the bar; cursing myself for that extra drink I had – and hoped I wouldn’t kill anyone, let alone myself, on my way back to Kansas.

I arrived a day later, and almost threw myself down the stairs of the bunker.  
“Sam? Dean…!”.  
Sam came through the doorway. He took a few long strides, and enveloped me in his arms.  
“He’s… He’s not ok”, he said.  
“What happened?”, I asked, and stepped back to look at him.  
“Charlie…”, he breathed. My face lit up.  
“Charlie’s back?”, I smiled; before seeing his facial expression. “No… not…”.  
“She’s alive… but he hurt her”, Sam croaked.

I took a deep stammering breath.  
“Does she need help?”.  
Sam shook his head.  
“No, she’s fine… she will be. And she’s forgiven him; but he’s still… He’s not doing good; hasn’t slept… He needs…”.  
I nodded; threw my bag on the floor, and ran down the hallway.  
Once I reached 11, I didn’t knock. I just stepped inside.

Dean was laying on his side, on the bed; his face and knuckles bruised. He wouldn’t meet my eyes.  
“You shouldn’t be here”, he muttered. I shed my jacket on the floor, kicked off my boots.  
I could have laid myself down behind him – cradling him as the big spoon to his little one – but that wasn’t what he needed. He needed to know I felt safe with him.  
I laid down on the side of the bed he was facing, grabbed his arm; and wrapped it around me – tucking myself into his embrace.

“I hurt you. I hurt Charlie. I hurt everyone”, he breathed. “I’m a murderer, and a ticking time-bomb”.  
I sighed.  
“I almost got killed by a banshee yesterday; and then I drove 16 hours straight to get here”, I said. “Partly under the influence”. I lifted my head slightly, to look him into the eyes. “So, if you plan on exploding, you better do it now; because there isn’t a chance in hell, I’m moving a muscle for at least a few hours”.  
I turned myself so I was laying on my back; and put my legs over Dean’s – partly to be more comfortable, partly to hold him in place.  
“Why did you come?”, he whispered. The dark circles under his eyes where deep, and he looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks.  
“Because I love you. And you love me”, I smiled. “I’m going to sleep now – here. If you’re not in this bed when I wake up, it better be because you’re getting me coffee”.

I closed my eyes, and snuggled up against him. After a while, I heard Dean’s breath relaxing; and I felt him kiss the top of my head.  
“It doesn’t have to be one or the other”, I whispered. “We can find a middle way. We will”.


End file.
